Today was about new beginnings and the resurrection of old projects. Both of these things can be simultaneously exciting and daunting. Although not as frightening as a Zoom call, which is something I had the ‘pleasure’ of taking part in this afternoon!

The call was just an informal chat about volunteering for a charity, but it’s not an activity I will ever be comfortable with. I have spent most of my life avoiding using the telephone whenever possible — I remember literally running out of the office when the phone rang at one of my workplaces — with the only crumb of comfort being the fact that the person on the other end of the line could not see my discomfort. The increasing popularity of video conference calls in recent years has taken this away from me, though. Now people can actually see me squirming in my chair as I try to navigate my way through the call without making a huge error or embarrassing myself. What kind of sadist invented such horror!

The outcome of the call was a positive one, however, with a new project to sink my teeth into. And the decision to seek out this challenge was a good sign that I was not letting my fears stop me from doing something that interests me. One of the most significant internal conflicts that has played out in my mind throughout my life has been the desire to do good in the world vs. my instinct to avoid all social interaction and to stay in my safe space.

Whenever starting something that interests me, I tend to go through a rollercoaster of emotions. There is an initial rush of excitement that I can barely contain — often pacing around the room — and I get carried away with the potential scale and success of what is on the horizon. Then I begin to have doubts. Am I up to the task? Should I have just stuck to my safe life? Will I have the appropriate resources to support me? Will I fail miserably? I am currently in the positive stage… the negativity will come later!

Later on in the afternoon, I updated my website for the first time in nearly three years! The resumption of old projects provokes similar emotions within me. In this case, it also highlights how I can swing back and forth between fixating on something as the most important thing in the world and then not even giving it the slightest bit of attention.

Lately, I have realised that the way my mind works is similar to those who are neurodivergent/have ADHD. I have not been diagnosed — and I am not claiming to be this or that — but conversations with many people who have been leads me to believe that it is possible that my brain may also be wired this way.

For example, I read that a common trait amongst people with ADHD is the pattern of repeatedly throwing yourself into ambitious projects for which you have no relevant knowledge or experience yet expecting unrealistic levels of success. This is definitely something I have always done. For this next project, I am trying to be more realistic and measured. I will let you know how that goes!